I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
