I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize