oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
