while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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