I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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