dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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