Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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