I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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