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Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
