Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh god it's open bar.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
