and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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