I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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