tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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