peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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