So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
whose parrot is this?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
