i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize