My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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