I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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