so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
