yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
