What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
