just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
