I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
