nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
