He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
