True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
