He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
