remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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