Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
