Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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