just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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