i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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