She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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