i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
