The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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