turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
