So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
