why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
