I think I won the penis lottery.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
