My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
