I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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