allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
