there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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