How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Randomize
