I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
