i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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