If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
