my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
