how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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