We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
