Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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