Small penises have feelings too.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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