dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
