Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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