They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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