Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize