Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
