Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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