Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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