OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
