My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
