I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
