I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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