She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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