The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When are your genitals available?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
