Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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