At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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